It’s a funny thing, you know, when someone owns half of your heart. That seems odd to say & maybe it seems like an exaggeration but when you know, you know.
What is a soul mate? Being trained in the concept all my life, with theories of tall boys with sharp jaw bones & a white horse to save me from my troubles. I would be lying if I said, to this day, I don’t still wonder if there is a man out there suitable to carry my crazy emotions & minor freak-outs on his shoulders while kissing my pink lips {& doing it all well}. Sometimes when I look at myself, I realize this idea of a man capable of being my soul mate is completely & utterly outlandish. I’m not saying that I will never be with someone, because when i decide my heart is healed, I’ll venture into the realm of relationship status: taken, but for now Ill laugh at the idea. Especially when I have crusty three day old mascaraed eyelashes & hair that is so tangled it could smuggle in an immigrant. But not only is this thought whimsical because I lack the ability to put up with someone long enough for them to love my obsession for lipstick, the concept of me having a soul mate is out of the question because folks, I already have one.
Jamie Keith,
Life is hard. It quite honestly sucks sometimes. On days like today, when I am twenty-seven minutes late to a class I could have missed anyway. Twenty-seven minutes late with frizzy hair & an aching didn’t-sleep-well-body. Twenty-seven minutes late as I rushed in the humidity only to land in my seat with moisture behind my knees & potentially my forehead. Life is hard in many ways. Its hard in the way of getting out of bed when your body craves sleep, in the way of having to balance school-relationships-money-work-studying all while trying to enjoy the sunshine on occasion. Its HARD. But as I ramble on I’m going make it to the point of all this. In this HARd life, I was gifted you. Someone to absorb the brunt of my pain & catch my tears with a bottle labeled ‘compassion’. Even when I cry because I just paid $30 to have my nails done only to have them chip in an effort to save my falling phone that inevitably shatters. Yeah, you know me and how the tears can come and even when you want to laugh, you hold me. Or when something actually gut-wrenchingly-heartbreaking slaps me & my face goes blank you know to wait, wait for my strength to melt, you wait, you wait because you know. You know me better than I even know myself. Even a slight tone change perks your attention. Even through a text, you know. I bleed gratitude because I was placed into the arms of my soulmate when I was only a few days old. Looking into the eyes of the little lady that would carry my heart for the rest of my life. That would listen to my horribly-bad decisions with grace & encourage me when you see pain behind my eyes. Yesterday, when we were spending our time together, our once-a-day visits. I was listening to your hurt & failing to come up with sufficient words to make the pain go away. If I could do anything, be anything for you, I would take every hardship from your plate, even if I had to endure it. I would take every hang nail & every ungrateful remark directed your way. I wish with all my heart I could catch your pain. I pray everyday I am as a good a sister-friend that you are to me. So, yesterday as I listened to my Need-to-Breathe playlist. Intently pouring over the lyrics of a song.
A song that I give to you now, as a love letter from your oldest friend.
(from NeedtoBreathe)
“Brother” {but actually sister}
“Ramblers in the wilderness we can’t find what we need”
Searching and searching for something to fill a void that only Jesus can fill. A loneliness that even a party with eight hundred people can’t satisfy. A hunger that you show me deserves Jesus. A hunger that doesn’t ache so much because of you.
“Get a little restless from the searching, get a little worn down in between”
Panic attacks from plans gone awry due to unholy gestures looking for something, anything to satisfy this life. Thank you for being my rest, my comfort, my couch to lay on. Thank you for being a refreshment to my soul when I’m deeply searching.
“Like a bull chasing the matador is the man left to his own schemes”
Ha, okay for this one just picture me running from a bull, thats what I feel like sometimes. You are the clown that distracts the bull while I get back on my feet. Picking me back up when the breath has been knocked out of me. (I’m thinking of a rodeo when this isn’t applicable but you get the idea)
“Everybody needs someone beside em’ shining like a lighthouse from the sea”
You truly are my lighthouse. I hate it for others that they don’t have you but honestly I am not willing to share because you are what keeps me shining. You are my courage and my smile. You’re the thing that keeps me going in this college world that I seem to not belong in because my heart is in other places.
“Face down in the desert now there’s a cage locked around my heart, I found a way to drop the keys where my failures were. Now my hands can’t reach that far”
Sometimes I convince myself I will never be healed. That my past will forever awaken me in my sleep, forever mar me from trusting & loving. It’s thanks to you that I feel that weight lifted off. The hope that I will heal. It’s thanks to you that I trust, & still love people through my hurt.
“I ain’t made for a rivalry I could never take the world alone, I know that in my weakness I am strong, but, it’s your love that brings me home .”
You know me. You know I have a loud bark & no bite. Saying, sassily, that I am okay, you know. You know that I am lost in this world without my strength, my strength being you. Without my sense of belonging. Because no amount of pink lipstick can change the fact that my heart is soft. You are my home.
“And when you call and need me near, Sayin’ where’d you go?. Brother I’m right here. And on those days when the sky begins to fall, you’re the blood of my blood. We can get through it all”
When my sky falls, you are my umbrella. I know nothing can actually knock me down because you are holding me up. You encourage my differences, my strength to stand out, you keep me walking through.
“Brother let me be your shelter. I’ll never leave you all alone, I can be the one you call when you’re feelin’ low. Brother let me be your fortress when the night winds are driving on, be the one to light the way. Bring you home”
Lastly after going on and on describing how you are basically my bones, I am giving you my love. My promise and my request for you. Sister let me be your shelter, your fortress.
Let me be all for you that you are for me. I will never know what I did so right to deserve you.
ALL cheese coming from this sister of yours. Helping you out on this rainy Tuesday morning. Be encouraged because this world would not be the same without you and my world would crumble. You know this, I know. Thank you for being my sunshine. Thank you for loving me in the way you drive me around & pay for food. Thank you for sending me things that make my day infinitely better. Thank you for having a smile that could knock out an army. And not just being beautiful in the way you look but in the way that you live. Thank you for being grace and understanding everything that I am. Thank you for being my big sister. My friend, my soul mate.
your oldest friend, AH
be still 